There’s not much I can add on GM’s latest atrocities that hasn’t already been said much better. However, I’m a fan of words—as is Slappy—and we couldn’t pass up an opportunity to put a bunch of nonsense locution into a columnar list. See if you can guess which ones are our favorites.
There’s a complex Catch 22 in punishing such pernicious greed. Those who should be at the end of the noose are the decision makers, the order givers, and the middle-management lackeys who carry out despicable directives while cloaking themselves in plausible deniability. These are precisely the ones who see no direct discipline because, after all, how are they supposed to be free to make difficult and innovative decisions for the advancement of Capitalism if they have to fear prosecution for when such decisions bankrupt and/or FUCKING KILL PEOPLE? These ghoulish vermin are also protected financially by corporate law and by contracts that compensate them dearly when it is finally decided an exit is required. This leaves the corporation itself as the only punishable party. What will be done when fines do actually amount to something or the company loses its Too Big to Fail accreditation? The repercussions of lost profits or shuttered doors will be suffered by the workers of GM, not the executives.
And here’s the thing about Mary Barra specifically: Whoop-dee-freakin-do, let’s all throw a goddamn party for the Empowerment of Women because she’s broken the glass ceiling to grasp the reins of such a massive and important corporate entity. Congratulations, Mary! You’re part of an elite oligarchy of fucking awful human beings. To ascend to such power, you undoubtedly had to commit at least one scummy, unforgivable act along the arc of your career. You don’t become a CEO without royally fucking over at least one person. Admittedly, that person was assuredly a fellow scofflaw intent on slitting your throat, so no tears.
Since the actions and quasi-punishments of these monstrous companies exist in some extralegal wasteland devoid of any recognizable sense of law and order, I think the final comeuppance enacted on these murderers and thieves should be equally as atrocious. One by one, the top executives will have each of their four limbs attached to a GM vehicle that is defective does not perform to design. The powder kegs will be driven by middle management with government regulators riding shotgun, and the execs will be drawn to downtown Detroit where the city’s denizens will be waiting to flog them with malfunctioning remote starting devices. Once at the final staging area, the four widow-makers will be pointed in cardinal directions. A grenade-like, clown car SUV packed full of corporate lawyers is parked nearby. At the cue of its detonating, the executioner vehicles will peel out. Just as they reach the end of their tethers, the tomblike transports will spontaneously combust into an inferno fueled by foie gras purchased with avarice, and the execs will be quartered in the sloppiest manner possible. The to-be-determined overseers of this penance pageant will have lost interest at this point, so the grisly remnants of the condemned will be unceremoniously swept aside and left to rot in the gutters of Motor City with the rest of the trash.
Simple, effective. There are millions of GM lemons, so there will be no shortage of below-specification deathtraps.
With all of these contemptible assholes dead, their golden parachutes should rightfully float down and be divided up by the victims and the lowly workers whose years of unappreciated labor paid for the mansions and yachts and vacations. Why should one dime of veritable blood money be passed on to the ghastly families of the smitten? Those horrors might have to get real jobs without reliance on trust funds and nepotism.
Slappy was, for better or worse, not available to make a drawing for me, but he did have time to add a little pizzazz to something I drew:
Spew Forth Your Blather